Candid Carol ( Rides Again): Mary’s Daughter : Lessons from an Ebony Sensei

 

Disney's Animal Kingdom Mom & Me

“Life doesn’t come with a manual, it comes with a Mother.”

~ Unknown

 

What happens when It feels as if god has taken your soul away? What happens when you feel as if a part of you has been taken from your very being? These are the questions I’ve had to ask myself now twice in my life, once on May 29th 1995 when I lost my daughter, and now, here I sit once again in my thoughts and with these questions on April 5th, 2021 just two days after loosing my beautiful mother, Ms. Mary.

I’m not for certain I have the words to satisfy my current level of pain and anguish. Ironically, for me, words on most occasions have always come very easily, but I have no words right now for how I’m feeling in the bedrocks depth of my soul and of my existence. It’s forced me to ask myself not only these aforementioned questions AGAIN but an even more relevant question I have for myself and God now in this moment is; who the fuck am I now?

My identity as “ Mary’s daughter “ has been a right of passage in so many ways, it’s been a badge of honor that I know I’ve taken for granted time and time and time again, and for that I’ll probably likely never in a million years forgive myself for that; I’m guilty period end of story! I am guilty of so many many things but what I’m most guilty of is thinking I’d always have just one more day! One more moment, one more conversation, one more trip, one more fight, one more cry, one more adventure, one more laugh, one more!!!

I simply thought I’d have one more chance to be Mary’s Daughter.

In my heart my broken, broken heart I know I’ll ALWAYS be Mary’s daughter, but the spark that was there inside me, I’m not so certain I’ll ever truly get back. As I did back so long ago when I laid my first born to rest I know that I will continue to breathe, but I also know it won’t be as deeply or as easily. I’ll continue to consume my meals, but I know the taste will always be a bit more bitter and less easy to digest. I will continue to attend parties and other family gatherings, maybe even host them I guess, but I also know that the smiles and the laughter will always be a little less joyful. These moments a little less palpable.

I will continue to carry on as Mary’s daughter, a force to be reckoned with, a fiery spirit, a free spirit, and yes a brothy ass god damn woman ! To each and every extent possible I’ll live for my mom who didn’t simply live her life, she was the essence of life! She was for me ( and my brother) our WHOLE life and we her’s, we know that now.

Now I don’t want people to get this twisted, we have our entire family whom we LOVE WITHOUT MEASURE, we have our children who are what breaths life into us as parents. They are our reason for being, and yes, they are in fact as well our WHOLE life! But who do you think we learned this from, yep...Mary! I suppose what hurts most is that we were still in training as to how to be the best parents we could be, so what do we now do without our sensei ? Our teacher, our role model?

Our master ( mistress) sensei is now gone, the lessons have ceased for the moment, and I feel as if I was just beginning to understand the many lessons she was trying to teach us. So...Now what do we do? Who are we? Where do we go from here? And how in the name of all things holy are we gonna ever achieve what she has as a parent?

I now have Soooooo many more questions that have been added to the two impossible questions I had already been sitting in thought with for all of these damn years! I’m asking myself now, how could that be? How?!

Well, anyway, I guess what I’d like to believe is that maybe in all of this our sensei is still teaching us our lessons, maybe this is in fact her greatest lesson for us poor remaining saps? The real question is now, will we continue to falsely believe we will have one more day to get it right? Or will we, through her sacrificial lessons finally teach us to slow down, take the time , and remember what’s most important in life; Family! Moments! Memories!

I’d like to think none of this is going to be taken for granted , that those the promises we’ve made this week about dedicating more time to each other won’t soon fade from our memories. I’d like to think the pettiness of our now meaningless feuds has swiftly dissipated into the abyss of nothingness from which they came from. I personally failed my mom this year on a minor request...to simply be gracious and forgiving and I couldn’t do it over something petty 🥺 ...I’m owning this fact and take full responsibility for it! The cost of this failure has been more than I can personally comprehend and bare.

But I’m gonna try! And, moreover, I’m gonna try like hell to make it up to her, not in meaninglessness pillow talk level chatter...but in doing the small deeds I’ve promised I’d do. My hope is that as a family we all strive to do as such collectively! My hope is to persevere as a family of Mary’s daughters, sons, grandchildren, brothers, sisters, and friends.

This is a true badge of honor so as my aunt Ida would say...” let’s get it together folks” ( insert finger snap) !

Be well, be light, be love, be kind!

Carol 

 

 

Carol Hill is a mom, a long time nurse, certified professional  life and leadership development coach, a consultant, and Lead Happiness Ambassador and the owner/operator of Just Chill Custom Gifting By Carol.