Candid Carol ( Rides Again): How I'm Working My I Can't Do It List to My Advantage

 

I took this shot at the Corning Museum of Glass, 2018

“I remember you was conflicted

Misusin' your influence

Sometimes I did the same

Abusin' my power, full of resentment

Resentment that turned into a deep depression

Found myself screamin' in a hotel room” - Kendrick Lamar 

 

This week as I often do, I found myself in a hotel room. I travel a lot for work and so this is not uncommon. What was less common was how I was feeling at the moment 1) I didn’t want to be here, 2) I was becoming frustrated with what I perceived ( falsely) was bad service from the front desk clerk, and 3) how the hell can I do this job this week with everything I had just endured?

When only three weeks ago it was that I lost my mom, my bestie, my sensei. Then bamboom right before I left for this trip I was confronted with yet another unexpected death, this time a cousin who was more like a little brother. How is it that I’m standing today ? Why is it that I’m expected to be positive about this situation? What are thoughts and prayers gonna do for me now?! I can’t do this! I thought, OMG I simply can’t do this!

Needless to say, I walked into the hotel with more questions then answers... but that’s not the whole story. The real story is how I left that hotel room, not far from how I’ve had to leave many situations that test my resolve; a damn smarter and much more capable me.

You see, I’ve come to understand that with everything tragic or challenging that happens to us, no matter who you are, there is always an initial sense of “ OMG I can’t do this!” . It can end up making your brain foggy and it can very quickly become both overwhelming and all consuming if we let it do just that, consume us.

In this moment,this week,  I thought about almost EVERYTHING and I mean almost EVERYTHING in life that I’ve had to endure and face head on. I thought of everything we are all to familiar with and are recognized as either life altering or as major life stressors, and I began thinking Wow!  “ I can’t believe I’m still here to tell the tale of my life”, I asked myself in that moment “ how the f*&k is it that you’re still standing ?” How are you able to maintain a positive mindset in the midst of all this madness!

So, I know a lot of the positivity messaging we tend to hear ( and for many of us, have encouraged in others ) asks us to not look behind us, to simply place our eyes towards the future, but I think it is actually healthier at times to do exactly that ... to stop, and to take a look back at all the things you THOUGHT you’d never get through or endure the pain of, in your life.

If not to do anything but to simply remind yourself that you ARE a living and breathing modern day warrior ! To know in your heart and soul that you are a god or a goddess that is totally and completely capable, and able to accomplish and overcome most anything you have been challenged with in this life that you have been blessed with.

So what I’ve come to better understand about myself in these moments is that this is not “positive messaging” period, it’ is living your life, Exclamation Point! It is (for better or for worse ) the whole truth and nothing but the truth about who we are as human beings. Like it or not, we are built to do and to endure and , moreover, to do so like the Gods and Goddesses we are...at least this has become my own truth.

So, as you are adding today to the list of your life’s “ can’t dos” I want you to, for one moment, shift your thinking to what you CAN DO! and what your HAVE ENDURED! What you have done , and what you’ve had to escape, conquer, and work through. I want you to then, once you’ve written them all down, ( and don’t forget this step, actually write it out! Showing the universe, God, and the Divine, ) to go directly to the mirror, look at yourself, and now look yourself directly in the eyes and tell yourself out loud “ hey warrior these are the things I can do! These are the things I have endured! These are the things I've lived and NO they haven't broken me!”

So, to make a long and much more complex story short ( don't fool yourselves, because this shit AINT easy!) I found myself having to do exactly this just this week, and ironically like Kendrick Lamar’s lyrics, I found myself in this hotel room, in a deep depression looking for answers. I thought I was about to burst from the past three weeks, no the past 20 or so of years of cumulative loss and death in my life.

Just when I thought I was about to implode from the internal pressures of it all... something happened, something jarred me and it jarred me deeply. It was a voice,  some tiny little voice grabbed hold of my ear drum, and it started list out my past year of “ OMG I just can’t's" ...the "I’ll never survive this moments", and I started writing them all down as fast as I could ...

First, I got married, next

Entered into a pandemic, next

Worked a pandemic with no breaks, next,

Closed a business, next,

Bought a home and moved to a new town, next,

Got a divorce, next,

Started a new job, next,

Started a new business, next,

Lost my mother, next,

Lost a cousin , next..., and next, and next...

After writing it all out and after examining it all in its totality, my thinking began to shift from how can I,  to thinking instead “ Wow! Look at all of the can dos Ive done! Look at all you’ve endured in just a little over a year, and look who’s still here! Me! Still by the grace of God I’m standing ( ok some days more sitting than standing ) but the point is I’m still here!"

So when we talk about being positive in life or maintaining a positive mindset, or when we encourage others to be kinder to themselves , what we are saying is not to simply gloss over the challenges in our lives. Don’t simply forget or discard them as irrelevant to our experiences because they are probably what most defines our experiences in most cases. Ultimately, they really do end up helping to shape who we are!

In essence, what we are simply asking is that you start to take a look at yourself and your life with different eyes, look at yourself from a place and a mental space of being blessed with to ability to both survive and more importantly to thrive in your life even in the face of adversity.

The important thing to remember about our challenges is that we can do them! It might feel uncomfortable and intrusive but the important thing to remember is that you can do it! You can do it all! You are doing it right now no matter what it is you’re facing personally, and you’re doing it all just fine. You see, self destruction is only one option ; thriving is also a choice, so which today, will you choose? Today I choose to thrive! And that is my advantage!

Ok folks that’s it for me, God bless and remember what it is you can do today

Carol 

 

Carol Hill, Showroom North , Homer, NY

 Carol Hill is a mom, a long time nurse, certified professional  life and leadership development coach, a consultant, and Lead Happiness Ambassador and the owner/operator of Just Chill Custom Gifting By Carol.